Always Knew
by LuigiWife1551
Summary: The youngest always knew that his brothers would lose sight of who they were. It took a great tragedy in the family for them to remember but the orange masked turtle doesn't mind. He always knew. Warning: CHARACTER DEATH. Edit- new chapter. 9/28/14.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all! Here's another Mikey-centered one shot... although not with a happy ending. Don't ask me why I torture the youngest so... I love him to death, though. Really, I swear I love Mikey!**

**I got the idea when I decided to start re-watching the 2k3 TMNT- I'm on the 3rd season so far, and man the ideas that are flowing through my head right now are crazy! I was finally able to get some free time and went to the library to type this little fic of mine. **

**Please enjoy! I own nothing. Rating is for character death. **

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><p><strong>Always Knew<strong>

I always knew I would get killed. If I wasn't careful, which most of the time I wasn't, it was going to happen eventually. Heck, everyone who knew me always knew I would wound up getting distracted one day and get myself hurt or killed. My brothers never wasted a moment telling me that.

I was different from each and every one of them. We were all unique in our own little way, you know? That's what Master Splinter told us, anyway. But as we grew up and things changed in our lives, I realized my brothers were changing too- and not in a good way.

They always yelled and teased me for who I was. Leo was always lecturing me, saying that I acted far too much like a child. That if I would focus more and talk less, I would be an actual help to the team. To my family.

For many years I paid the wise cracks, the teasing and the lectures no mind. I figured my brothers were just mad that I knew how to enjoy life instead of seeing the dark side of things. I love to make others see that not everything is all gloom and doom, you know?

But one night, my joking got on every one of my family's nerves. Like, more so than usual. And the words that they spoke to me cut right through what I had honestly didn't know was a mask I had put on for so long, I believed it to be who I truly was.

"Really, Mikey!? Really!" Leo yelled when I had playfully ran into the dojo and jumped on him as he worked on his katas. It was early morning, when I knew Leo would be up trying to be Mr. Perfect. Lately, I had noticed he'd been working himself more than even he knew was impossible and I wanted to try and lighten his mood.

I knew better than to do that but he was so tense lately... I thought maybe I should make him at least crack a smile... it's rare when he does.

"What?" I tried to act innocent but that anger that came over Leo was kinda... scary. He was almost like Raph kind of mad, and THAT is angry. "Don't you luv your baby brother anymore?"

It was only a pretend statement... but Leo's statement made it seem so true...

"Dammit, Mikey! Is it too much to ask you to grow up already?! You are almost 18 years old! You need to get that brain you don't seem to have been born with out of the damn clouds and GROW. UP." He made special emphasis on the last two words.

"It's not cute nor is it funny anymore, Michelangelo." Full name, too... wow, I must've REALLY pissed him off.

I winced. I mean, I kinda got used to all the insults, but this was taking things too far. "I-I'm sorry, Leo, I wasn't-"

"You always 'wasn't' trying to do this or that, and yet you still DO. Now I see why Raphael wants you to disappear. Leave me alone and go bother someone who actually cares, baka." And that ended that.

He walked past me and left me standing in the dojo. I bit my lip. I mean, I know he's been tense with all that's been going on, but... I hadn't meant to cause any harm. What he said about me wasn't true... maybe he's just angry... right?

I sighed and shook off the hurt and then went in search of Donnie. Maybe he would want to do something and perhaps I can think about things with Leo later.

I found him where he always was- in the garage tinkering on something, and Raph was standing beside him. randomly handing him tools and leaning against the BattleShell. Perfect, I thought.

If I had actually took the time to see what they were working on, I would've actually left them alone. But I quietly snuck up behind Raph, took a deep breath and yelled as loud as I could in his ear, "BOO!"

I made a HUGE mistake. It turned out Raph had been helping Donnie repair his beloved motorcycle... the very one I took for a joy ride last week and totally wrecked. Besides a black eye, Raph didn't speak to me for almost three whole days, even after I had apologized constantly and tried to make things right.

I didn't know the bike still needed work.

"YAHH!" Raph screamed, whirling around with his sais drawn. Donnie yelped too, bumping his head from where he had been under the bike fixing it. Something fell over on the ground, and through an unfortunate chain reaction... Raph's bike was TOTALED.

That was the last straw. For both of them.

"MIKEY! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" Donnie yelled as he got up and stared at the wreckage I somehow managed to cause. He didn't look at me after that but I knew he was pissed. Oddly enough it wasn't him I knew I should've been worried about.

"Ya damn idiot! First ya wreck my bike, now ya went and wrecked everything else!" Raph practically hollered in my face. I backed away, looking and feeling like I was probably going to die tonight... how ironic, now that I think about it.

"Yeep! R-Raphie, I-"

"Shut up wit that stupid nickname! Betta yet, just SHUT THE HELL UP! I can't take it anymore!" He was still advancing toward me, and by now I had backed up against the door, hoping he wouldn't pummel me into a bloody pulp.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know-"

"Shut up, MIKEY." he said my name with deadly malice, the hate in his eyes very evident. "Shut up and get the fuck out of here before I REALLY get angry."

I made one last attempt to apologize, but Donnie was in a full blown rambling session and I couldn't get around Raph. "Guys, really I didn't mean to do that. I didn't."

"Mikey, ya annoying excuse fer a ninja, get OUT! God, I hate you... I hate you. No one likes to deal with a happy idiot who only thinks about comics and games! Make me sick..." Raph pushed me aside and turned away to see what Donnie was able to fix.

I stared at the two shells in front of me. "Y-You... don't mean that... r-right Raphie?" I asked timidly, my eyes filling with tears.

"Actually, I do. Everyone is about had it wit ya. Even Masta Splinta. All you do is cause trouble. Why not make yaself useful for one and go dissapper somewhere? Fall off a building, go ANYWHERE but here! That way no one here has to see ya ugly mug or clean up afta the baby ya are!" Raph yelled, glarig daggers at me.

Donnie turned around, too, and for a moment I thought he would at least try and tell Raph he was going too far, that they were just angry for what I did. Instead...

"Mikey, go away. Get OUT." Both of them turned back around and ignored me standing there, my whole being shattered.

"O-okay... I will." I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I quietly left the lab and went back to my room, locking the door and then going to sit on my bed.

I pulled my legs up and buried my face in my arms, warm tears running down my cheeks. I mean... was I really that annoying? That horrible that they all wished I would disappear?

I clamped my eyes shut and couldn't stop the shudders that ran through my body, or the sobs that broke free from my mouth. _'Am I really that terrible a brother...? I just wanted to get them to lighten up, was that so much to ask?'_

I always knew I was an oddball. But I knew that my brothers needed to see that life doesn't have to be hard just because we're turtles. That wasn't so wrong, right?

I eventually pulled myself together, left my room, and without telling a soul, quietly left the lair to go topside. I never went up there alone, but tonight seemed to the be the exception.

They wanted me to disappear. They should know me... I will do anything to keep them happy.

And I needed to pull down this mask for good. It hurts... God, this all hurts and I wish it would just go away! But I'm not like my brothers.

I'm... me.

I understood what that mask was that night. It hurt to pull off, but it never changed anything about who I was and who I wanted to be... who I wanted my brothers to see.

When I got topside, I started to run. I didn't notice how cold it was at that point, I didn't care I had nothing to keep me warm, I didn't even notice my tears were still falling. It was me and my nunchucks.

I ran. And ran and ran and ran until I couldn't run anymore.

Pausing to catch my breath, I looked up at the sky. Even though it was almost winter, there were so many stars and I was content with just sitting out here, until I heard a sound behind me. Nunchucks whirring, I turned to face my opponent.

The Foot... and the Elite Foot, too? Aw, shell... I can't fight these guys alone!

"Ah, a lone turtle. Master Shredder will be pleased." one of the Elite said. Raising his spear, he screamed the order to attack, sending waves of Foot Ninja after me, with the three Elite right behind them.

As I fought, I realized that the cold was starting to affect me- badly. I was sluggish and was taking hits left and right. My thoughts were murky, but mostly, of my brothers and the arguments I caused tonight.

Somehow... this battle felt different because of it. But I wasn't sure why...

Jolted out of my thoughts, I failed to notice I had fallen on the ground and didn't see a glint of sliver streaking across the sky... until I screamed.

They got me good. My stomach was practically slashed in half, and blood was pooling around me at an alarming rate. I shut my eyes and awaited the final blow, my head still too foggy and my body too cold to want to defend myself.

But they didn't. One of the Elite forced my head up to face him, his breath smelling of something... racid. He was grinning, I think, but that red scarf around his mouth made it kinda hard for me to tell.

"We shall leave your pathetic body for your brothers to find. Then we shall do what we have done to you... and deliver your heads on a platter to our Master."

My eyes fluttered closed for a moment, I wanted so badly to just sleep... but I was jolted awake when a Foot Ninja stabbed my thigh with an arrow, a piece of paper attached to it. Probably for... for my brothers again...

_'M-My... b-brothers... I'm sorry. For everything...' _

I don't know when I was left alone or at what point I was able to move myself to a nearby door before my body refused to fight any longer. I slumped heavily against the rooftop, coughing and shuddering from the cold.

When I looked back at the sky again... I felt myself smiling. It was really pretty for a New York night. Not a cloud anywhere...

_'You need to get that brain you don't seem to have been born with out of the damn clouds and GROW. UP.'_

Was this what Leo meant...? I... I don't want to grow up. I never wanted to feel that anger Raph felt every day. I NEVER wanted to endure the stress of feeling responsible for the safety of our family like Leo. I don't know how to keep us alive and well and fix everything like Donnie.

This is what I am. A child at heart. It's all I knew, and I thought they knew too. I don't want to change...

I wanted to be Mikey... I wanted to be ME.

But no one needs someone like me now.

Letting my eyes close for what I believed was the final time, I wondered if they would miss me when I died. I'm not going to make it home nor am I going to try. All of them wanted me to disappear... I guess I will then.

Did they know that they were growing apart as a family? We are all we have, and while I know I annoy them, I do it because it makes them laugh, gives them reason to smile... makes them remember even when things are dark and we wonder why we do what we do, we are always going to have each other.

I hated seeing them fight, seeing them grow so cold and distant... I... I didn't want to lose them.

But I lost myself... somehow I did, and I was scared. Now I don't have to be.

I can't feel anything anymore... it's so cold outside... and I'm scared to die like this, but I know I died fighting. I took a few Foot down too, you know.

_'So... sorry... L-Leo... Raphie... Don...nie...'_

I always knew I'd keep them happy. No matter what the cost.

**_*In the Lair*_**

Leo, Donnie and Raph entered the living room at the same time, Raph the only one still somewhat angered by the events from earlier today. Leo didn't even want to ask, not too much in the mood to deal with Raph's temper.

"Huh. The TV is actually Mikey free?" Leo noted as he sat down and flipped the TV on. Raph jumped over the worn out couch and plopped next to him, watching whatever Leo had on with little interest.

"That punk better not come out either! When I get my hands on him, I'm gonna-"

Leo glanced sideways at him. "That's enough, Raph. We all need to have a talk with Mikey later. His behavior has gotten worse lately." Raph huffed but said nothing more on the matter.

"The lair has been pretty quiet... do you think we went a little too far?" Donnie worriedly asked as he sat on the ground next to Leo. He felt bad for saying what he said about his baby brother, even if he drove him nuts.

Raph shrugged it off before snatching the remote and changing the channel. "Ah, who cares. That bonehead's probably sulkin' in his room. Sides, we need some peace from that idiot."

Leo shoo his head. Something didn't feel right. He had a sinking feeling Mikey wasn't in the lair, and quickly got up and ran to his room to check. Within seconds he was back, and Donnie caught a glimpse of pure worry and fear on the leader's face.

"Leo? Is he alright?" Donnie asked, catching Raphael's attention. "What's wrong?"

Leo shook his head, looking at the jackets they kept hanging on a rack... there were still four. His brown eyes widened.

"Mikey's not here... and it's nearly fourty degrees outside." Leo mumbled as he grabbed his clothes and a jacket for his brother. Donnie knew about the odd change in weather, and got up.

"Mikey's immune system is the weakest out of all of us! He could catch pneumonia out there!"

Raph looked over his shoulder, watching as his two brothers bundled up. "Why no just call the idiot? He's probably at Case and Ape's house."

Donnie agreed and pulled out his ShellCell. But when he turned the tracker on, he let out a gasp.

"M-Mikey's on the opposite side of town... near the Foot Headquarters..." he stuttered out, looking at Leo. Leo returned the same horrified look.

"Let's go. NOW."

This time, Raph knew it was bad if Leo's voice had fear lacing each word. Without arguing, all three had bundled and ran out of the lair, failing to notice their wise father standing near the door to his room, his hands shaking as he watched his sons go.

"My sons... I fear you may be too late to save him..."

***_TMNT*TMNT*TMNT*_**

"How much father, Donnie?!" Raph yelled as the three ninja jumped from rooftop to rooftop, keeping their eyes peeled for their youngest family member.

"Not too much farther now!"

Leo felt that uneasy feeling twisting and turning inside him. He knew... he didn't know how, but he knew. Something bad happened to Mikey and they may of caused it to happen.

_'Mikey... please be alright. I am so sorry for what I said, but I'm worried you'll get yourself hurt.'_

Donnie slowed his run down to a walk, looking at his tracking device with confusion. It wasn't until he looked up and dead ahead that he let out a yell to his older brothers.

"Mikey?! MIKEY! Guys, hurry! Mikey's hurt!"

Leo and Raph sped up, soon catching up to the purple banded turtle. Both of them froze at the sight of their beloved Mikey, head slumped forward and blood pooling all around him. Dozens of Foot Ninja lay unconscious or dead around them.

"Oh God... i-is he..." Raph, for once, could not find the words he knew he needed to say. Donnie shook his head no.

"His pulse... it's barely there..." Donatello whispered, his voice cracking. He touched Mikey's hand and added, "He's freezing, and he's lost so much blood. Even if we got him back home... I don't think he's going to make it through the night..."

Raph and Leo bent next to Donnie as he quickly looked over Mikey's injuries. As he worked, Leo heard a faint sound coming from him and leaned closer to Mikey's lips. His heart almost lept out of his chest when he felt a light breeze caress his cheek.

"Guys... Mikey's still breathing... we need to get him out of here, NOW." He wrapped Mikey's cold body in the spare jacket and instructed Raph to carry him.

"Mikey? Hey man, can ya hear me?" Raph asked, suddenly feeling awful at everything he had screamed at him earlier. He had to make it up to him and say he was sorry.

He sighed in brief happiness when Mikey groaned, although it was faint. "Just stay with me, Mike. We've got ya."

As the brothers started to head back to a nearby manhole, Mikey began to cough, blood leaking from his mouth. His head lolled against Raph's chest as the coughing took full control over his weakened, chilled form.

"Mikey?!" Raph was petrified; he didn't know what to do! They stopped, Raph kneeling on the cold concrete of the rooftop, and turned Mikey on his side so he could at least breathe.

Blue eyes, glazed and unbearably tired, finally opened, and he struggled to lift his head to look up at his oldest brothers. Once he saw a splash of red in his view, a tiny, shaky smile slowly formed.

"R-Raphie..." he muttered quietly. His hazy mind struggled to remember why he was outside... wasn't he in the lair? He couldn't remember.

"I...I'm... sorry..."

"Mikey, listen to me! Don't give up just yet! You hear me?" Leo said, watching as his brother's eyes struggled to stay open, and it was then he came to a terrifying conclusion.

Mikey knew he wasn't going to make it. He knew, and he fought as hard as he could in the event he died... he would die fighting...

_'No... NO! He fought against so many alone in the cold?! He should've called for help! He should've at least tried to run and hide someplace safe! But who could blame him... we pushed him so far away tonight...'_

He placed a warmer hand on his cheek, letting his pride completely fall. _'We're being selfish. He can't go on like this, and he's so weak... he deserves to sleep now. He doesn't need to struggle for us anymore. He... can't.'_

"Hang on, little brother. Please..." Donnie was crying freely now, his hands stained with Mikey's life force. Raph was letting his tears fall, letting a side of him show that Leo wished with all his might he didn't have to see now.

Not for their young brother... not for their light.

Mikey's smile became rather lopsided, and he focused hard on Leo's face before he slowly shook his head again. "N-no one... wants me... any more..." he breathed, shattering the silence and his brother's minds. His whole body slumped once more against Raph's chest and his eyes drooped halfway.

For some odd reason, the thoughtful expression on the usually upbeat and cheerful surfer turtle's face bothered Leo. He wasn't supposed to look like that... he wasn't supposed to die at 17!

He wasn't supposed to feel so lost and alone when he had three older brothers who swore to keep his light shining. So how did the roles switch?

"Don't... need me..."

"NO! That's not true!" Donnie yelled, reaching over and grabbing his brother's shoulders. No one made to stop him, and the two eldest looked up at one another, the same look exchanged between both: guilt.

Guilt for what they had told him, guilt for treating him like a used doll when all he wanted to keep the family together. Guilt for never keeping him as safe as the believed they did.

"We need you, Mikey! We need you because you're our BROTHER! You... you keep us sane, and you make us laugh even we we want to do nothing but wander around and let our anger take over... you give us hope... you have to hold on!"

"D-Donnie." he whispered simply, looking at him. "I... can't."

He sighed before allowing his body to relax. The jacket felt nice, but having Raph holding him brought memories of their childhood back to the young turtle. Mostly of him cuddling with his older brothers every time he had a nightmare... or giving comfort when they needed it most.

The older turtles looked at one another before Leo spoke again, fully understanding what Mikey meant, but still refusing to let him sleep.

"We want you to come home, Mikey. We need to make this right." Leo choked on his own words as he watched Mikey's breathing slowing down and becoming labored from the cold.

The bundle Raph held so closely to his chest reminded Leo of their childhood, when all they had was each other. On the harshest of nights, and on the baddest of days, Mikey kept reminding them that they are a family and they would make it through anything as long as they stuck together as a team and as brothers.

"Please, Mikey... please forgive us. We never meant for this to happen... we all failed you. I failed you."

All three siblings let out a gasp when Mikey firmly shook his head, somehow gathering all the strength he had left in him to say one last thing to his brothers. His hand moved from under the jacket and grasped at Donnie's hand with the little strength he had left.

"Y-You... didn't fail... I... I just wanted... y-y-you all... to remember... we're a f-family. I'm sorry... for everything I did..." he whispered, his teeth chattering. He closed his eyes in exhaustion and Raph felt his full weight as he slumped against him once again.

"Love you... I love you guys."

_'I feel... warm now. Probably cause Raphie's so cozy, like a pillow! I don't feel cold anymore. I died fighting. I died... protecting them. I'm sorry I was never the brother you guys wanted. But... I'm happy. I'm happy now.'_

Raph shook his head in denial as he felt Mikey's body go still, and watched the last of his brother's life force flowing freely. He had let go.

His brother had peacefully died in his arms, surrounding by three turtles who had always kept him safe, a small smile forever frozen on his features.

"L-Leo, he's dead..." Donnie whispered, staring in disbelief at the sight, still holding on to Mikey's now cold and limp hand. Leo said nothing, pulling Donnie's shaking frame to him and shifting so he was closer to Raph.

"H-He... he's sleeping now. Let him sleep." Leo got out in a pained whisper before he bowed his head. He couldn't cry now, and as much as he wanted to, he couldn't stop them from falling either.

Raph refused to look at any of them, but instead, lowered his head until he could feel Mikey's forehead touching his. "I'm sorry... Mikey, I'm sorry... I'm sorry!" he screamed in agony, letting out massive sobs over his dead baby brother.

Donnie turned away and buried his face in Leo's shoulder. The leader, for once, was utterly lost. He didn't know what to think or how his family was going to push past this. He stole another look at the innocently peaceful expression on Mikey's face and closed his eyes.

_'Mikey... somehow, you always knew when we needed you to brighten our days. You always put us before yourself. And we pushed you away so many times. You knew... we needed you tonight. You knew and you wanted to help us remember that... we are a family.'_

After what seemed like hours, the three remaining turtles gathered their fallen sibling and silently headed back home. They had a lot to do in preparing Michelangelo's funeral... and the long journey to healing was going to be the hardest part of it all.

**_*TMNT*TMNT*TMNT*_**

_'For some reason... I know we're going to be alright.' _Donnie numbly thought as the night has finally drawn to a close. He had cleaned Mikey's body and covered him up, but as he prepared to lay the white sheet over his face, he halted.

He didn't want things to end like this. He didn't want Mikey to sleep forever- he should've been stubborn and forced him to stay alive!

_'Leo was right. Mikey has done so much for us... so much we took for pure granted.' _With a last goodbye kiss on his cold forehead, Donatello brought the sheet gently over his baby brother's face and stood back.

_'He can still keep his smile even in death... it amazes me. We will miss you, Michelangelo. But we will be together soon... and we will make up for all the pain we caused you. I promise.'_

Donatello turned out the light and stepped out of the lab and didn't notice his older brothers holding on to him for dear life. He barely heard his father speaking to them and giving them the tightest hug for an aged rat he'd ever felt.

But the fact was, even though it cost them great pain, they were together as a family. They had each other in this dark and hard time, and even when it got to be too much, there was another who was willing to share the massive amount of grief.

_'He would have wanted this.' _Donatello vaguely thought as he and his remaining family got ready to face the many tasks- and days- ahead. He smiled knowing someone else was standing with them, making sure they stood as strong as ever.

Looking once more at the dark lab behind him, he muttered softly, "Mikey, you idiot. Somehow... you always knew."

**END**

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><p><strong>And finished! <strong>

**Honestly, I have no clue if it was good or not. I never had the urge to write a character death fic before, even though I've read tons of them. I had the idea in my head for a bit now and I finally had time to get it out so... yeah. I consider it a first step into new territory, so forgive me if it isn't all that great. ****  
><strong>

**Reviews and constructive feedback are appreciated! **

**Until next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello all!**

**So, following the suggestions of two of the reviews for this story, I decided to go ahead and add a second chapter- this one is only telling things from Raphael's POV since I did notice that he was barely in the first chapter. Personally, I wanted to try my hand at writing in Raph's POV for practice and because it's nice to see a soft side to our hothead turtle. **

**Thank you all for the ideas! I hope this will meet your standards!**

**Enjoy! I own nothing. All is in Rapheal's POV.**

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><p><span><strong>Always Knew<strong>

**Chapter 2**

How am I supposed ta face the fact my lil bro ain't here no more? Especially after everything I said to him... I never got a chance to tell him I was sorry, that I didn't mean any of that, that I was just angry at him...

He's dead... Mikey's dead and gone and tomorrow we gotta bury him... but sayin' that ain't makin' this hole in my chest get any smaller. In fact, it feels worse!

I'm sitting alone on the roof tonight. Me and Leo... well, oddly enough, me and Leo actually had a talk, the first in days since the Shread-Head whooped our asses. But it wasn't a talk, like the kind where you both sit down and chat over green tea.

I told him EVERY last thing I said... and I cried. I sat there in my big brother's arms and sobbed like a baby. But at the time, I hadn't cared who saw me, what they thought of me, not even my so-called 'bad-boy' rep Mikey loved to make fun of me about. I needed to vent, and I guess the tears just followed suit.

Mikey... he knew we were a freakin' train wreck from that day. He always had that weird sense- Sensei explained it once but I just shrugged it off as Mikey being his usual goofball annoying self.

And now look. We don't have a goofball anymore. Just a cold lifeless body sittin' in Don's lab about to be six feet for good.

Donnie was a MESS- and I do mean MESS- when he came out of that lab a few days back. He just broke. And if me and Leo and Sensei weren't there to catch him, he woulda fallen and neva got up.

In a sense, we all felt like that. We all lost a huge part of us when Mikey died, but to actually WATCH the life just... go from him... it'll haunt me.

He seemed so peaceful, so... happy. I guess because we were all with him, all protecting him... even after all the words we said to him... even after what I said to him... he felt safe in my arms.

I wish I knew why. I deserve for him to hate my guts, to haunt me day and night until I can't take it and go off myself... but that's one hell of a bad excuse to wanna die.

I stood up and stretched, looking at the stretch of New York in front of me. As I did, I remember thinking that Mikey loved to run. He loved the nighttime air, but it was for a reason not like my own.

I loved to be free from the underground life we had to deal with day in and day out. I hated feeling... trapped. Mikey loved to run because he loved the fact he felt like nothing could stop him. He loved to run because we ran with him, and he felt safe, even with Shredder and Bishop and all our usual out tryin' to kill and dissect us.

He loved bragging about his speed as he would jump and bound from rooftop to rooftop, laughing that crazy, annoying laugh, and... watching us laughing with him. He had fun because we had fun and even with our life...

Now, that laugh isn't one we we'll hear until we see him on the other side. It's quiet... and I hate it.

I stand on the edge of the rooftop and look below me. Yeah, I thought about it. I thought about endin' things right then and there. Jump off a rooftop, slash my throat until I bled out... I thought about it so many times. And it was Leo and Donnie and Sensei who finally snapped me out of it, saving my pathetic hide... they let me see that lowering my guard doesn't make me weak... but allows me to begin to make that step. It's really hard.

Especially when your chest hurts like hell because of it.

_"Raphie."_

I don't turn around. I know it's him. He's the only one who still calls me that stupid nickname...

**_'Shut up wit that stupid nickname! God, I hate you... I hate you. No one likes to deal with a happy idiot who only thinks about comics and games!'_**

I didn't mean any of it... and now he's gone and I...

_"You don't need to sit out here. The others need you. Go home and be with them."_

I bit my lip. Leo and Don were finally asleep and I needed time to be alone and think. And now, with him here... I can finally get this... pain out of my system. I have to.

_'Raphie... you taking your own life won't solve anything. I don't want you over here because you let your pain consume you, bro. I can't watch you guys suffering anymore because of me. Please... go home. Be with the others.'_

I can't take it. That suffocation. My chest feels tight and him begging me to go back home when all I want to see his smiling face telling me this is some prank even though I KNOW it's not true... God, I can't take it anymore!

"Mikey, we need ya. We NEEDED YOU! Why'd ya have to go and die on us like that?!" I yell, turning to face him. He tilts his head and smiles at me, but that's not that Mikey grin I'm used to seein'!

"We needed ya, Mikey... so why?"

The little twit takes two steps towards me, closing the gap between us and reaches out for me, probably to come down from the edge. I know I can't touch him... he's... dead.

"Why, Mikey..." I finish in a weak whisper. I come down and stare at him, unable to find anything else to say.

"_Raphie, you guys never needed me. No one needed an idiot like me dragging them down." _he answers quietly.

I shake my head- if he wasn't a ghost, I swear I'd shake him too! Instead, my hands clench into fists and I look at him with an angry glare. "We didn't need you?! If it wasn't for you, we'd have KILLED each other already! We needed you to keep us together! To keep us going!"

Mikey sighs. _"Maybe... but when I was there, I was only in your way. Leo was right... I needed to grow up. You all needed a brother who didn't need a babysitter. But __Raphie, I'm dead now. And look, it brought you guys closer together, as a family. You have each other's strengths to lean on when one grows weak. But as for me..."_

He turns away and looks at the city, his bandanna tails gently moving, that stupid thoughtful smile still on his face. I hate it... I hate this! This isn't HIM!

_"I was just too weak to stand by your side. I was never going to grow up because I had you three to shield me. Not anymore. I'm not like that now. I can't be a screw-up or a child or get in the way. I grew up now... and I can protect you guys like you did for me."_

I felt the harshest of tugs in my chest. This is not what I wanted... if Mikey growing up meant he had to lose his life, that we had to lose the ray of laughter that he was then he never needed to change!

"NO! Mikey, there's a reason you're OUR baby brother! We're supposed to protect YOU! You didn't need to change! There was nothing wrong with you! You never needed to change..." I trail off as I fell to my knees, my voice breaking.

"We did... we needed to change. We should've seen you were hurt too, but you kept wantin' to make us smile and laugh, even when you had to be hurtin' after all we did was push you away, hated you for being yourself... for being that light..."

Mikey's soon matching my eye level and he places his hands over mine although I can't feel them. I guess it's to make me feel better. But I don't. I can't feel better knowing I let my anger at the most innocent of us grow this bad, to a point where my words became true!

"I killed you, Mike... I killed you and took you away and I'm so, so sorry..." I whisper, the tears rolling down my face and dripping on my hands.

I can't even look him in the face... I deserve his hatred.

_"Raphie?" _

I slowly look up. His big blue eyes are looking dead into my own, almost... into my soul, kinda. It feels weird.

It's even weirder when I felt his finger wiping away my tears... as if I was the child.

_"It's not your fault. It's not Leo or Donnie or Sensei's fault. I made my choice. As long as you all remember you're a family... then everything will be okay again. Give it time to heal. Please? For me."_

I crack a genuine smile, the first in days since this whole thing happened. "Ya know I can't say no to those eyes, ya idiot." I say softly. He knows what I mean.

Smiling bigger than ever, he looks up and then stands. "_I know, Raphie boy. But __I guess I'd better head back. You should go home too. Get some sleep. And don't worry- I'm still with ya. Just, you know, not with ya."_ he cracks with a small laugh... which I join in on.

He's still my baby brother, the same little joking ball of light I realize now... is finally growing up.

"Mikey."

_"Yeah?"_

I walk past him and said, "Thank you. For everything."

I don't need to see his face to know what he was going to say next. I just smiled.

_"Thank you, Raphie- boy."_

I shake my head but can't help the feeling that the hole is my chest is closing a little. Even when he still calls me that silly nickname... it doesn't... hurt as much, you know?

I headed down into a nearby man-hole, and once I entered the lair, I saw Leo, who was sitting at the table, a cup in his hands. I guess he couldn't sleep after all. Without saying a word, I walked up to him and sit in the chair across from him. He's out of it and I know he's been crying. I don't hide the fact I was, too.

"We're gonna be alright, Leo." I said calmly. Leo nodded, still not looking up. I sigh and look behind him.

"Donnie alright?" Another nod.

"He's with Master Splinter. I don't think he wants to be left alone right now." He's shakin', and I can tell his voice is failing him. He's sufferin' like us, so why won't he let himself grieve?!

'Fearless... Leo. You don't have to be brave anymore. I'm not leavin' ya until I know what's wrong.'

I stare at my big brother, waiting for him to say what's really on his mind. It doesn't take long for him to crack.

"How could we do something like this? How could we just push him away, say what we did, and leave him to suffer for our faults?!" he said angrily, quietly. I grab both his hands and tug him over the edge of the table. The cup of whatever he'd been drinking spills but neither of us pay any attention to it.

"Leonardo. Listen and listen good." I say with a hint of pain in my own voice. I know what he's going through because I thought the exact same thing. His eyes are looking at me with a fair amount of confusion at my actions, but he stays quiet.

"It is NOT your fault we lost our brother. Not alone. We all did this together, Leo. Yes, we said what we said and did what we did but we have to live with that. Mikey... he forgave us. He grew up and he understands why. The only person to blame is The Shredder and we will kill him for what he's done."

I let go of his hands and he slumps back into the chair. "But we can't do that if we can't come together. As a family. Mikey knew... he knew if we kept going like we did we would lose each other. Him dying showed us that, ya know?"

I stand up and pull Leo out of the chair and lead him over to the couch. "We lost our light... but he's not gone forever. He's still here, and he's makin' sure we stay together. We have to heal for not just us, but for him too. So when we see him..."

I smile at the thought. "... we can apologize for everything."

Leo stays quiet a bit longer, but I don't mind. I'm surprised I could say all that and not have an anger fit. i'm just surprised I could say all that! I flip the TV on for no reason and toss the remote aside. 'Mikey, I get it. I understand now why you did it. It still hurts, but... I finally get it, bro.'

"Raph..." I look down at Leo, who looks pained and exhausted. I can betcha the Fearless Leader didn't have time to cry for himself.

"He's still here... even though he's gone physically, his spirit is still standing with us, laughing and making sure we heal right." he says, but I can hear it. He's struggling to keep it together. For whose sake, I don't know. Hell, I've cried so many damn times these past few days I'm surprised I still have the strength to be angry at anything.

Leo needs me... just as Mikey always seemed to know.

"We owe him, Leo. We owe him a lot."

Leo nods, and I hear a tiny sniffle. Rubbing his shell, I simply whisper, "Leo, let it out. You still have us... and we're not leavin' ya alone now."

The next few moments, Leo's sobbin' in my chest, every last tear he's been holding in, and I don't say a word. I hug him tight and let him cry himself out. He needs to... he has to.

"We're gonna be alright, Leo. We're gonna be alright."

Leo slows down with the waterworks after who knows how long, and I can feel how drained he is- he can barely sit up. I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling above. It's peaceful now. It's weird how I feel like that, but after all that's happened, it's... just peaceful.

"Raph... thanks." Leo whispered as I felt him falling asleep. I chuckle.

"Don't get used to that, Fearless. Get some sleep."

I know Leo's smilin'. I am, too. Like, since I spoke to my dead baby brother smilin'. And as I feel myself nodding off, I know I'll be joined with the rest of our family. But that's alright.

And yes, Michelangelo is still standin' with us. Yeah, I can never hug him or take swipes at him when he makes his corny jokes, or watch his eyes light up when he reads a new comic or plays a new video game.

But I know that Mikey's keepin' an eye on us until the time comes for us to be with him. He's always gonna be with us, no matter what or where he is, where we are.

'Thanks, Mikey. For opening our eyes and hearts to the truth.'

I wouldn't want things any other way.

**END**

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><p><strong>And complete! <strong>

**So what did you think? Please leave a review and tell me if I can improve on anything- I'm still trying to get Raphael's character so forgive me if he seems a little OOC- I don't think you'd stay angry if you lost a family member but that's just me. **

**Until next time! **


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